I want to wash my hands, my face and hair with snow . . .

Yes, they're real (ridiculous) song lyrics.
No, I've never actually wanted to wash my hair with snow.
Yes, I wanted to run screaming from the state when it started snowing (with a 50 mph wind) on Sunday.

Instead I've been stuck inside on the exercise bike. October is much too early to be stuck inside, and though I do enjoy snow-running, I hate wind-running and it takes me a while to get desperate enough to want to start doing either.

So while we're waiting for it to get back to 50 degrees/for the wind to stop blowing (which they have promised me it will by Halloween) I've been having to get creative about maintaining my healthy, active lifestyle. Or perhaps trying to save myself from the ravages of my exploration of October comfort foods in all of their warm, melty and delicious bounty.

Here's a great idea:

The copy assures me that this routine "will become as automatic as putting on your make-up. Exercise is no longer a chore, and you'll be transformed into a graceful sylph."

A sylph? Okay.

Will I be in shape to wear the new swell outfit I'm planning to sew?

If we had stayed in Florida, I think this would have made an awesome Christmas outfit. They don't explain where to get the shoes, but I'm pretty crafty. I could whip up something.

And while we're on the subject of staying in shape, here's today's vintage underwear ad:

I'm particularly curious about this part:

I haven't taken a correspondence course in a long time. I think the "Glamor Bustline Course" might be just the thing to spice up the dreary months. At the very least, I'm glad there's a company that has employed science to correct, flatter and give firm uplift, roundness and highness whether my busts are extra large, flatly spread out, sagging, or not something enough.

And most importantly, it will all be sent to me in a plain wrapper.

While I'm waiting for the mail, I could watch daytime television. Sure, it's okay to make fun of the ridiculous magazines our mothers and grandmothers were entertaining themselves with, but let's not imagine that we are any less ridiculous than they were. For instance, from the "Soap Opera Summary" section in today's paper, I read this:

I think this is one of the most ridiculously entertaining "9 line novels" I've ever encountered. Anything that begins "after the tornado" is immediately riveting. And I can't help wondering how Jake managed to botch Kendall's emergency brain surgery. I think instead of watching daytime TV everyone should read the weekly recap from now on. If only it had quaint illustrations . . . then it would be even easier to laugh at.

With the time I save by giving up daytime TV, I could practice shampooing my hair. Here are two schools of thought on the correct technique for this delicate endeavor:

If I ever start measuring my shampoo with a glass measuring cup, call a doctor. I'd be just as likely to wash my hair with snow (but let's save that for actual winter, if you don't mind).


Jake and Chelsea said...

what would those advertisers say to a girl that hasn't showered for three days?

i did at least brush my hair this morning to get rid of some bedtime wrinkles, but that's as far as i'm willing to go.

we got snow too.

susan m hinckley said...

I was wondering if you got snow because on the news they made it look positively awful and then said "heading straight for Vermont!" You're a professional environmentalist, so you need not buy into all the nonsense of modern living, such as showering every day (your husband may have a differing viewpoint . . .)

Amelia and Justin said...

Wanna send some of this snow our way? It's been 93-94 for the last week and a half and I'm going a little crazy.

april said...

there were so many gems in this post; what to comment on? yes, i did know those lyrics thanks to my CD from you guys. it's a good thing russ pointed out danny kaye was in it because i'm not sure i would've recognized him since i don't think he gets that much singing time. thanks for giving me a good use for all those neckties from pat's mission that are just sitting in his closet. i love how the bras are called "yuth bust" and will give us that "smaller, alluring youthful shape you want" (which unfortunately is true since as maya angelou said: my breasts are in a competition to see which will get to my knees first. oh and have you read, persepolis? it's a fantastic, very short book about growing up in iran, but there is an even more fantastic boob trick at the end of the book and you realize women all over the world hate sagging breasts). i didn't know the paper did soap opera summaries; years ago, i had read a summary of a few years worth of a soap opera that had me in stitches (so do you think taylor will need emergency brain surgery too now that (s)he has fallen down the stairs!).

p.s. i've marked my calendar for feb. 28th.

susan m hinckley said...

April -- you're so funny (and I'm glad someone actually read the bra ad ; I, too was pleased that I could achieve a "yuth bust".) You may be interested to know, on a side note, that I have never watched "All My Children" . . . although I have been known to watch "The Young and the Restless", which I'm sure is not nearly so ridiculous.

susan m hinckley said...

Amelia -- if you want to get away from all that hot weather, be careful what you wish for and then come visit us soon! (hint hint)

april said...

@susan - i haven't watched "all my chidlren" or "young and the restless" (who can resist such a great theme song) since high school. it's amazing how i would still recognize some people on those soap opera digests covers for year to come; i swear some people never leave those shows. i agree the summaries are a much more palatable way to enjoy the ridiculousness (is that a word?) of it all. oh, and READ persepolis. it only takes a couple of hours (or less) to read the whole book and you'll be so glad you did. i did get nancy drew out of the library. grace and i will read it when we are done with "the phantom tollbooth."

susan m hinckley said...

Oh, I've read Persepolis -- I loved it! Chelsea read it in college a few years ago and turned us on to it then. I hope you've seen the movie, because it is beautiful as well (the animation is spectacular). I haven't read the second book, but the movie is combination of both book. In the world of graphic novels, my most recent passion is "Robot Dreams" by Sara Varon (I'd be happy to lend it if you'd like -- Gracie might also like it!) And on soap operas . . . I watched Y&R when Lindsay was a baby. Then I took a 20+ year break. When I started spending so much time stitching, I turned it on again and almost all the characters were the same. AND NOTHING HAD HAPPENED IN THE 20 YEARS I WAS AWAY -- I didn't miss a thing and was able to pick up the entire story in a few days. Now I am a casual viewer again, about once a week, which is plenty to stay abreast should there be any developments of interest. But after 25 years, I'm not expecting much! Really I watch because it comes on right after The Price is Right, and I guess everyone knows I'm a closet Price is Right junkie.

Amelia and Justin said...

It's that whole money issue, or I would totally be out there. I'd totally be there for some famous Russ Hinckley Thanksgiving vegetables...

And I am glad to hear that you still occasionally watch the Young and the Restless, because that right there is a fond memory for me :D (Has anyone else died and then come back??;o)

susan m hinckley said...

I'll tell Russ that you have a fondness for his Thanksgiving vegetables, which will make him so happy since he's had nothing but grief from most of us for 25 years or so. Actually, it is probably going to be just the two of us for Thanksgiving this year, which will be weird. How many pies can I pretend to need for two people? Because there are at least two kinds I must have, possibly more . . .

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