6.22.2012

A Cautionary Tale.


Today's story is of a more...ahem....personal nature than is our usual fare,

including intimate details, and may be uncomfortable or not well-suited to the more sensitive among us....so proceed with caution, Dear Reader.

Still with me?

Okay, here we go...

I went into the bathroom
   
-- now, if you can't get past the opening line, here's your chance to bail out -- 

for a routine visit -- just doing the kind of thing girls sometimes do in the bathroom (if you are a boy, use your imagination) without a care in the world. Thinking about how I needed to do some deadheading on the potted flowers on the front porch, actually....




When suddenly, and as a matter of course, I happened to glance down.


Now boys, let me stop here and explain that girls are accustomed to the ins and outs of dealing with foreign objects in personal areas, and think nothing of finding, for instance, a string hanging there, because they probably placed it there themselves with good reason and are in fact in the bathroom performing a managerial task related to it in some way...but I digress...


Anyway, in this instance I glanced down and, adjacent to the expected string....a thread...





WITH A SPIDER HANGING FROM IT.  

A SPIDER WAS SPINNING A WEB....THERE???!!!








The scene got a little noisy and dramatic at that point, especially for a routine bathroom visit, so I will spare you any further details, but if you have been a Small Works reader for any time at all you probably know how I feel about spiders.  Just about the last thing I'd want....dangling from my...whatever.

A twisted nightmare version of Little Miss Muffet in which the spider has somehow taken up permanent residence in her tuffet AND believes he is entitled to have unlimited access to her curds and whey...

It raises several questions, of course -- I wanted to know:

a) how it got there
b) how long it had been there, and
c) whether it was actually making any kind of future plans whatsoever....I shudder to think.

Hannah suggested the new Swiffer 360 duster, which she says they claim can fit just about anywhere.


It all reminded me of the Dr. House episode in which they finally figure out that a tick has crawled into a girl's thingamajig and bitten her and as a result she is dying from an array of bizarre and horrifying symptoms.  (So will someone please keep an eye on me . . . ?)


I don't know what the moral of the story is, 
I only know I wish it didn't involve ME. 


And I guess it's now become painfully obvious that I've been living alone for too long -- actually DEVELOPING COBWEBS and not just in a metaphorical sense.

We're talking about actual cobwebs, people.  With tenants.





Someone buy my house, please.







12 comments:

Amelia Poll said...

Oh. My. Word. I just... I just... Ew!!

But Hannah's suggestion made me burst out laughing, at which point Justin wanted to know what was so funny... Uh...

susan m hinckley said...

Well Hannah's first question (once she stopped laughing) was, "Can I tell Grandma and Grandpa?" To which I could only reply, "If you WANT to??!!"

Allie said...

Dying...I'm dying...oh my gosh this is the funniest thing I've ever read in my LIFE. This way beats the spider dangling from my head, although oddly enough, that was in the bathroom too.

My boys wanted to know if they needed to call 911, so I had to read it to them...they're dying as well...

luanne said...

Laughed out loud, then shuddered a bit, then laughed some more. What a wild story.

I can't wait to see a Small Work born of this particular episode. Get busy!

John Beck said...

Ok, that was seriously, the funniest article I have read in recent years. Susan. Hilarious. Somewhat discomfiting, but hilarious. Did I ever tell you about the time the end of a cotton swab fell off into my ear during a routine cleaning and didn't come out for, like, 2 months?

Pam said...

Oh Susan! That's priceless!!! OMG- how???? Soooo funny.Best "one for the girls" story I've heard in ages!

Hannah said...

I already knew about this, and your written account still had me laughing to the point of tears! Soooo funny....and so happy that spider wasn't coming out of my........euphemism.

Hannah said...

I will also add... that those were tasteful illustrations....considering the turn of events.

Sara Crittenden Coppedge said...

OMG I am still laughing. That is absolutely hilarious (more to me then to you I am sure). I have to congratulate you on the tasteful telling of the story.

Pam said...

...just checking in again to find out if you are still "on the Web".

susan m hinckley said...

Hahahahaha! I wish that were funny...

Amelia Poll said...

This story really makes me wish you weren't done with your drawing a day... Although, I agree with Luanne; can't wait to see the Small Work that comes from this :)

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