Land of 10,000 Loons



We have a diagnosis:


Minnesota is bipolar.


bipolar:  adj.
1) having or relating to two poles or extremities
2) [of psychiatric illness] characterized by both manic and depressive episodes
3) the Milwaukee Road's class EP-2 electric locomotive built by GE in 1919
4) the fourth studio album by Vanilla Ice, the rapper's second independent release

Well, two of those definitions fit, anyway . . .

And the thing about living in a bipolar state
(meaning both MN and the particular or physical condition)
is that you are driven slowly insane.
And yes,the insanity consists of both manic and depressive episodes.

Earlier this week we were sitting at 103 degrees, with tropical dewpoints and 45 mph wind gusts.  A sort of combo steam bath/blast furnace. Last night there was a frost advisory, and today I am wearing not only knee socks but a jacket that is not quite heavy enough.  These conditions have made me, by turn, want to run screaming through the streets naked and run screaming through the streets wearing a parka.

It's the way we roll.  And REAL Minnesotans derive a certain perverse pleasure from it.  That's how I can tell I am not now, nor will I ever be, a REAL Minnesotan.

My address here does entitle me to complain about it, however.

They hand you a certificate stating that entitlement
with the packet from the Welcome Wagon lady.
And a pan of bars, and a hot dish.
And a pronunciation guide for the accent (please tell me I don't have it yet?)

I went looking for some Minnesota quotes today 
and found instead a list of rejected state slogans:

Minnesota:  We're Not as Fat as Wisconsin

Minnesota:  Glove It or Leave It

Minnesota:  To Protect Ontario From Iowa

Minnesota -- Have You Jump Started Your Kid Today?

Minnesota:  Land of Two Seasons  (Winter is Coming; Winter is Here)

Minnesota -- Where the Elite Meet Sleet

Minnesota -- Home of the Blonde Hair and Blue Ears

Minnesota -- Mosquito Supplier to the Free World

Minnesota:  One Day It's Hot, the Rest of the Year It's Cold

Survive Minnesota and the Rest of Your Life is Easy

So of course I added a few of my own:

Minnesota:  Where Even Jesse Ventura Can Be Elected Governor

I can't resist throwing in a Jesse Ventura quote here
that I came across in my search:

"If you were to come to Minnesota, 
I could have you locked up like that.  That's power."

Impressive.  But I digress:

Land of 10,000 Loons (by which I mean capital "L" Lunatics, not the state bird) 

Minnesota:  The Quickest Way to Go From Bad to Worse
(*Note: South Dakota may already be using this one)

or perhaps, in light of today's introduction . . .

Minnesota Swings!

(No, I'm not looking for a job.  
So if the Minnesota Tourism Board calls, 
tell them I'm busy on Expedia looking for tickets.)

Okay, okay, seeing as how it's Friday, 
I think we should end this on an up note:


(Happy Friday!)



Helen said...

Lived there 24+ years, raised in Illinois, been gone from MN since 1997 ... people still ask me 'are you from Minnesota?' Love it. Mr. Keillor himself is coming to Bend this summer for an outdoor concert!!!!!!!

Leenie said...

I heard about that MN bipolar weather and your mosquito state bird. Get rid of the 10,000 loons and lakes and toss in a few skinheads and spuds and you'd have Idaho (protected from Californication by Nevada). I've lived in that same kind of--winter is coming; winter is here weather most of my life so I guess I'm a REAL Idahoan.

Still every year the weather makes me more and more bonkers and probably perverse at the same time. You gotta admit, though, that one day of summer is a fine one.

krex said...

this has been a particularly perverse year...to hot, to cold or raining, kind of a waste of all those lovely parks and bike trails .

Allie said...

I could have used a parka myself today - this post made me laugh!

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